It's not the fall

My wife is out, I expect to be in bed before she gets home.

I hate it. Being alone, in this body. With no distractions because it depresses me. When the wife is around, I have to carry on, I have to hide me - well, not any longer, but I hide me.

When alone, I want to be me, wear my blue dress, and relax, but I can't. I don't want her to walk in on me in my dress just yet, she isn't ready. Yes. She has seen it and my high heel ankle boots are in plane sight. But that is as far as its gone so far.

I want so much to let me out and be me, it hurts. I feel the life just drain out of me when I'm alone. If I'm alone for a long period, a whole night or so then I dress properly, and I'm happy, but it's the lonely evenings where there isn't time to get dressed and relax, when I start thinking how it should be, will I be accepted as me.

I want to get this started. I want the counselling to start. I want to let me out and let me be free.. Please